This morning there was a knock at my door.

When I answered the door, I found a well-groomed, nicely dressed couple. The man spoke first:

John: Hi! I m John, and this is Mary.
Mary: Hi! We are here to invite you to come kiss Hank s butt with us.
Me: Pardon me! What are you talking about? Who is Hank, and why would I want to kiss His butt?
John: If you kiss Hank’s butt, He will give you a million dollars; and if you don t, He will kick the snot out of you.
Me: What is this, some sort of bizarre mob shakedown?
John: Hank is a billionaire philanthropists. Hank built this town. Hank owns this town. He can do whatever He wants, and what He wants is to give you a million dollars, but He cannot until you kiss His butt.
Me: That does not make any sense. Why?
Mary: Who are you to question Hank’s gift? Don’t you want a million dollars? Isn’t it worth a little kiss on the butt?
Me: Well maybe, if it’s legit, but...
John: Then come kiss Hank's butt with us.
Me: Do you kiss Hank s butt often?
Mary: Oh yes, all the time...
Me: And has He given you a million dollars?
John: Well no. You don't actually get the money until you leave town.
Me: So why do not you just leave town now.
Mary: You can't leave until Hank tells you to, or you do not get the money, and He kicks the snot out of you.
Me: Do you know anyone who kissed Hank’s butt, left town, and got the million dollars?
John: My mother kissed Hank’s butt for years. She left town last year, and I m sure she got the money.
Me: Haven’t you talked to her since then?
John: Of course, not. Hank does not allow it.
Me: So what makes you think He will actually give you the money if you have never talked to anyone who got the money?
Mary: Well, He gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you will get a raise, maybe you will win a small lotto, and maybe you will just find a twenty-dollar bill on the street.
Me: What does that have to do with Hank?
John: Hank has certain connections.
Me: I am sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game.
John: But it's a million dollars, can you really take the chance And remember, if you don't kiss Hank’s butt He will kick the snot of you.
Me: Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to Him, get the details straight from him...
Mary: No one sees Hank. No one talks to Hank.
Me: Then how do you kiss His butt?
John: Sometimes we just blow Him a kiss, and think of His butt. Other times we kiss Karl s butt, and he passes it on.
Me: Who is Karl?
Mary: A friend of ours. He is the one who taught us all about kissing Hank’s butt. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times.
Me: And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Hank, that Hank wanted you to kiss His butt, and that Hank would reward you?
John: Oh no! Karl has a letter he got from Hank years ago explaining the whole thing. Here's a copy; see for yourself.

From the Desk of Karl:

1. Kiss Hank's butt and He will give you a million dollars when you leave town.
2. Use alcohol in moderation.
3. Kick the snot out of people who are not like you.
4. Eat right.
5. Hank dictated this list Himself.
6. The moon is made of green cheese.
7. Everything Hank says is right.
8. Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.
9. Don’t use alcohol.
10. Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments.
11. Kiss Hank's butt or He will kick the snot out of you.

How do you figure that?

Mary: Item 7 says everything Hank says is right. That is good enough for me!
Me: Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up.
John: No way! Item 5 says Hank dictated this list himself. Besides, item two says Use alcohol in moderation, Item 4 says Eat right and item 8 says Wash your hands after going to the bathroom. Everyone knows those things are right, so the rest must be true, too.
Me: But nine says do not use alcohol. Which doesn’t quite go with item two, and 6 says the moon is made of green cheese,
which is just plain wrong.
John: There is no contradiction between nine and two, nine just clarifies two. As far as six goes, you have never been to the moon, so you can't say for sure.
Me: Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of rock...
Mary: But they do not know if the rock came from the Earth, or from out of space, so it could just as easily be green cheese.
Me: I am not really an expert, but I think the theory that the Earth somehow captured the Moon has been discounted. Besides, not knowing where the rock came from does not make it
cheese.
John: Ha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we know Hank is always right!
Me: We do?
Mary: Of course we do, Item 7 says so.
Me: You are saying Hank s always right because the list says so, the list is right because Hank dictated it, and we know that Hank dictated it because the list says so. That s circular logic, no different from saying Hank is right because He says He is right.
John: Now you are getting it! It is so rewarding to see someone come around to Hank’s way of thinking.
Me: But...oh, never mind. What is the deal with wieners?
Mary blushes.
John: Wieners, in buns, no condiments. Its Hank’s way. Anything else is wrong.
Me: What if I don't have a bun?
John: No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong.
Me: No relish. No Mustard.
Mary looks positively stricken.
John: (shouting) there is no need for such language! Condiments of any kind are wrong!
Me: So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it would be out of the question.
Mary: Sticks her fingers in her ears. I am not listening to this. La la la, la la, la la la.
John: That is disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat that...
Me: It s good! I eat it all the time.
Mary faints. John catches Mary.
John: Well, if I had known you were one of those I would not have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the snot out of you, I will be there, counting my money and laughing. I will kiss Hank s butt for you, you bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater.

With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off.