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This morning there was a knock at my door.

When I answered the door, I found a well-groomed, nicely dressed couple. The man spoke first:

John: Hi! I m John, and this is Mary.
Mary: Hi! We are here to invite you to come kiss Hank s butt with us.
Me: Pardon me! What are you talking about? Who is Hank, and why would I want to kiss His butt?
John: If you kiss Hank’s butt, He will give you a million dollars; and if you don t, He will kick the snot out of you.
Me: What is this, some sort of bizarre mob shakedown?
John: Hank is a billionaire philanthropists. Hank built this town. Hank owns this town. He can do whatever He wants, and what He wants is to give you a million dollars, but He cannot until you kiss His butt.
Me: That does not make any sense. Why?
Mary: Who are you to question Hank’s gift? Don’t you want a million dollars? Isn’t it worth a little kiss on the butt?
Me: Well maybe, if it’s legit, but...
John: Then come kiss Hank's butt with us.
Me: Do you kiss Hank s butt often?
Mary: Oh yes, all the time...
Me: And has He given you a million dollars?
John: Well no. You don't actually get the money until you leave town.
Me: So why do not you just leave town now.
Mary: You can't leave until Hank tells you to, or you do not get the money, and He kicks the snot out of you.
Me: Do you know anyone who kissed Hank’s butt, left town, and got the million dollars?
John: My mother kissed Hank’s butt for years. She left town last year, and I m sure she got the money.
Me: Haven’t you talked to her since then?
John: Of course, not. Hank does not allow it.
Me: So what makes you think He will actually give you the money if you have never talked to anyone who got the money?
Mary: Well, He gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you will get a raise, maybe you will win a small lotto, and maybe you will just find a twenty-dollar bill on the street.
Me: What does that have to do with Hank?
John: Hank has certain connections.
Me: I am sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game.
John: But it's a million dollars, can you really take the chance And remember, if you don't kiss Hank’s butt He will kick the snot of you.
Me: Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to Him, get the details straight from him...
Mary: No one sees Hank. No one talks to Hank.
Me: Then how do you kiss His butt?
John: Sometimes we just blow Him a kiss, and think of His butt. Other times we kiss Karl s butt, and he passes it on.
Me: Who is Karl?
Mary: A friend of ours. He is the one who taught us all about kissing Hank’s butt. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times.
Me: And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Hank, that Hank wanted you to kiss His butt, and that Hank would reward you?
John: Oh no! Karl has a letter he got from Hank years ago explaining the whole thing. Here's a copy; see for yourself.

From the Desk of Karl:

1. Kiss Hank's butt and He will give you a million dollars when you leave town.
2. Use alcohol in moderation.
3. Kick the snot out of people who are not like you.
4. Eat right.
5. Hank dictated this list Himself.
6. The moon is made of green cheese.
7. Everything Hank says is right.
8. Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.
9. Don’t use alcohol.
10. Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments.
11. Kiss Hank's butt or He will kick the snot out of you.

How do you figure that?

Mary: Item 7 says everything Hank says is right. That is good enough for me!
Me: Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up.
John: No way! Item 5 says Hank dictated this list himself. Besides, item two says Use alcohol in moderation, Item 4 says Eat right and item 8 says Wash your hands after going to the bathroom. Everyone knows those things are right, so the rest must be true, too.
Me: But nine says do not use alcohol. Which doesn’t quite go with item two, and 6 says the moon is made of green cheese,
which is just plain wrong.
John: There is no contradiction between nine and two, nine just clarifies two. As far as six goes, you have never been to the moon, so you can't say for sure.
Me: Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of rock...
Mary: But they do not know if the rock came from the Earth, or from out of space, so it could just as easily be green cheese.
Me: I am not really an expert, but I think the theory that the Earth somehow captured the Moon has been discounted. Besides, not knowing where the rock came from does not make it
cheese.
John: Ha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we know Hank is always right!
Me: We do?
Mary: Of course we do, Item 7 says so.
Me: You are saying Hank s always right because the list says so, the list is right because Hank dictated it, and we know that Hank dictated it because the list says so. That s circular logic, no different from saying Hank is right because He says He is right.
John: Now you are getting it! It is so rewarding to see someone come around to Hank’s way of thinking.
Me: But...oh, never mind. What is the deal with wieners?
Mary blushes.
John: Wieners, in buns, no condiments. Its Hank’s way. Anything else is wrong.
Me: What if I don't have a bun?
John: No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong.
Me: No relish. No Mustard.
Mary looks positively stricken.
John: (shouting) there is no need for such language! Condiments of any kind are wrong!
Me: So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it would be out of the question.
Mary: Sticks her fingers in her ears. I am not listening to this. La la la, la la, la la la.
John: That is disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat that...
Me: It s good! I eat it all the time.
Mary faints. John catches Mary.
John: Well, if I had known you were one of those I would not have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the snot out of you, I will be there, counting my money and laughing. I will kiss Hank s butt for you, you bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater.

With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off.

If I were to teach a class in journalism, what would I teach?

Why Can't I Own a Canadian?


October 2002


Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance.

The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a east coast resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify?

Why can't I own Canadians?

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16.

Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)


I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Breaking News: Some Bullshit Happening Somewhere

Get Out

Students Support Green Fee at USF

New charges for sustainable energy fund initiated by Florida university students.

Is it worth 75 cents to save the environment?

Florida college students are saying yes. They are now asking state lawmakers to allow them to pay more to go ‘green.’

Students at the University of South Florida in Saint Petersburg are proposing an additional fee for every credit hour.  If passed, it could raise the cost of attending USF by about fifteen dollars per semester.  

Green Fee to Save Energy

The new cost is named the ‘Student Green Energy Fund.’ The amount may vary, set by majority vote.  It can be no more than $1 per credit hour. The money goes towards lowering energy costs by developing on-campus renewable energy sources.  According to the USF Office of Sustainability, the fund will support several energy efficient programs. [more]

Student Sponsored

“The bill is completely student sponsored; it was designed by students, and it’s been a total student initiative,” says Dan Cannon, organizer for the Southern Energy Network.

 The Southern Energy Network works with students in Florida to develop initiatives promoting energy sustainability. The movement is gaining support throughout the Florida University system. More than half of USF students support the measure.

“There are over eight active campuses working on it currently,” says Cannon. “The idea is the bill would be passed through state legislature and give individual campuses the right to implement a student green energy fund.”

“A small increase is worth the benefits,” says USF student David O’Neill.  “We are proposing only a 50 cent fee.”

More Money for Academics

Supporters say the goal is to make the university more energy efficient. Any savings in utility costs would make more funds available for academics.  It will offset recent budget cuts in the university system.

The fund is for development of renewable energy sources to lower utility costs.  Typically, utilities are the highest university expense next to enrollment.

Senate to Vote on Fee

By law, any changes to the state school system first must pass the Florida Legislature.  The proposed changes in university rules (Senate Bill 778) is on the current Senate schedule.  The new Florida legislative session begins this week.

After passing the legislature, the entire USF student body will vote on the initiative by the fall of 2010. If passed, it will then be up for renewal every three years.

USF leads Green Education

The Student Green Energy Fund is not the only new green program at USF.

The University is taking the lead in teaching new energy technologies.  The Tampa campus is the first in the nation to offer a School of Global Sustainability.  Students can specialize in careers that will highlight clean energy and renewable resources. 

Green Jobs Growing

Sustainable energy is a growing field that will help industries save money and the environment. The US Department of Labor Statistics predicts ‘green’ jobs in the environmental job market will grow as much as 30 percent in the next decade.

The Student Green Energy Fund can be seen as an investment in a growth market.

For more information:

The Association for the Advancement of Sustainability in Higher Education: http://www.aashe.org/

On March 6, thousands of Buddhist monks and well-wishers of many faiths crowded a West Tampa temple to attend the opening ceremony for the world’s largest solid jade Buddha. The nine-foot statue is in its first American city on the Great Jade Buddha for Universal Peace World Tour. The tour is to promote peaceful understanding between faiths, and is on display in Tampa for 10 days.

The Great Jade Buddha is valued at five million dollars. Carved in Thailand in 2008 from a single four-ton stone, the statue was patterned after the sacred Mahabodhi Stupa at Bodh Gaya in India. The carvers chose that image because it is recognizable to all Buddhists. Canada’s British Columbian mountains provided the solid gemstone-quality Nephrite Jade.

At Saturday’s opening service, Buddhist monks stood in line to make offerings to the statue while chanting and burning incense. A public viewing with prayers, firecracker displays, and children dancing in dragon costumes followed the opening ceremony.

The statue is on display through March 15 at the Minh Dang Quang Monastery, located at 5607 Town N Country Blvd. The Great Jade Buddha for World Peace world tour began in Vietnam in March 2009 and will end in Asia sometime in 2012.